Posted 7 months ago
For over a year the blogosphere has been going insane with the prospect of a new Apple device. The expectation of one life-changing gadget every two years makes everyone fidgety with anticipation, and no one can escape the fires ignited by credible sources.
Not one to be left out of a party, I’ve been gathering my thoughts on what exactly this tablet thing will do for us. Will it be a souped-up e-reader? A super sleek media player to impress your friends with your ability to be socially distant in style? Something to cuddle with when your wife leaves you because of your addiction to Orbital Slate?
Here are my predictions of what you’ll be able to do with your new magic box:
- Conjure an army of angels to do your bidding with its special “God’s whistle” feature (let it be noted that actions that break Commandments or violate plausible actions in a Disneyfied-universe will be ignored. It’s Apple, after all).
- Repel zombies.
- Learn every single Lady Gaga song (“Bad Romance” Gaga hologram to discipline your children and pets optional).
- Cure writer’s block and get out of debt (see section 7.1 in the contract, “Partnership between Apple and eBay”).
- Avoid stress by seeing your Internet access disappear just as its biosensors catch a rise in your ire when none of your Tumblr favorites has liked your insightful post about the new Apple tablet.
While I wait for January 27th, filling my Siracusa bingo cards and thinking about just how enlightened I’ll be after my credit card company has cleared my purchase are the only things left to do. And you? How do you think you’ll change after Jesus in product form arrives in its beautiful packaging?
